The Thoughts That Jar

I’m not feeling too hot. I’ve been off my game lately, that and getting myself into shit doesn’t help aggravating the already jarring thoughts that are in my head.

I don’t know what is going on with me – even at work. Usually, towards the end of each working year, I feel a little blah, okay, a lot blah. However, it is too early for me to feel this way, even if I am letting shit hit the fan.

I’m usually conscientious, but I couldn’t give less f***s than I do now. I should care, my salary is why I have managed to keep a roof over my head lately. Have I just fallen into some sort of rut, maybe? It might be worse than that, I could be struggling with depression. I do not know. What I am aware of though is that I need to figure out what is going on. I also need to do that soon; before I end up paying the price (though I’m not talking about money, it will sure hurt more than if it were money on the table.)

I am letting myself slip, I feel like I’ve been holding on to the edge of a cliff for so long my arms have gotten numb and my heart so weary. The funny thing is, logically speaking, I don’t have much reason to feel that way. I am not unluckier than many of the humans in this world. I am to a large extent healthy, pretty on the inside and out (even if that is dependent on views that aren’t my own.) Struggling not suffering: hurting not damaged.

I need to pick myself up, because that is what we do.. power though another day. So I’ll go and waste hours doing things I’ll regret doing instead of what I should have really been paying attention to. And no, I’m not talking about myself. Though maybe in the larger sense I should be.. seen as all actions are related and helping others might help me. I don’t know.

As I write this, two people who mean a lot to me just crossed my mind. They have both said things to me, that have at this moment, made me feel less inclined to vent and more inclined to do this:

 

10 THINGS I’M GRATEFUL FOR TODAY

(in no particular order)

• A beating heart
• The people I’ve met in my life who have hurt me
• Mother
• Music
• The little moments that make you smile
• Dreaming
• Good food
• People who put up with me
• My semi-healthy body
• oh, and Red Bull

The + In The –

There I was, getting into bed, thinking to myself that I’ve had a long enough day already. Sleep was the only thing on my mind, until I started contemplating posting something. “Do it tomorrow instead of today,” said that little voice inside my head. It continued, “Heater is on, bed is warm, tomorrow is only a few hours away.”

Yet, I felt guilty about giving up on the part of me who wants to see something through for once. I listened to my more hopeful and definitely less lazy inner voice, it made me feel guilty for almost giving up before even starting. My message to myself, and to you today would be…

Try not to complicate things, I thought I’d have trouble writing and waste time just thinking. The thought of how much trouble it might be for me to glare (as one does) at a brightly lit screen in a pitch black room was unpleasant until that positive inner voice gave me another nudge. “Just a little one, like yesterday.”

Now, however, that I am here and already typing I can safely say I am proud of little ol’ me for overcoming what I could have easily given into. My negative thoughts. Moreover, I’ve learned a lesson in the process…

So just to put this out there, to you who has stumbled upon this post. Don’t let the thoughts that are fleeting or fears of the unknown define you, restrict you or scare you out of doing something, anything you want to do. Chances are, the moment you take that first step, you’ll forget everything and enjoy the moment, that long lasting, self-defining moment. The passion that led you to wanting whatever it is that you seek will be the key to demolishing your negative thoughts. Feed on it, use it, let it become you.

As moments pass, faster than you thought, and as things come to end… the drive might settle, but just for a while. And until you go back to that place again, you’ll be left with the sweetest aftertaste of your victory!

Love,

Have you ever?

Have you questioned yourself, your existence in this cruel world that we live in?

Have you ever thought that you are just the same as the balloon a little child lets go flying up in the air, floating through with an extended view of life as it is.

Have you seen yourself resemble a train, steadfast and unaware of the outcomes? Have you ever felt so proud, like a poster in a protest, high up and seeking truth.

Have you ever felt as lost as a stud earring that’s fallen into a stack of haycock?

Have you looked to see yourself pushed up and down with no choice in the matter, much like a zipper or the volume button on a mobile phone?

Do you know what it means to feel helpless like the fallen during a stampede?

Do you feel unfulfilled like a subway carriage at midnight on a weekday?

Have you ever like a fraud, just like an assignment copied word-for-word from google?

Have you felt worn out just like a joint about to be kissed goodbye?

Do you know what it feels like to be shattered like a smart phone screen that’s been run over by a 4X4?

Have you ever felt so confined like caged animals in a pet shop?

Have you felt over-used like the car breaks that squeal when gently pressed against?

Have you considered yourself to be as energetic as the rhythmic beat of a merengue?

Do you realize that you’re as lively as a bustling street in a touristic city?

Have you ever felt so sexy that you shone as bright as a disco ball covered in glitter?

 

Me too!

Food For Thought

Are there ways for us to fight off fear, to get rid of the mind altering emotions; ones that we can’t afford to let control us. The ones that help us create a reality we would rather escape than enjoy. How can we clear our littered minds of all the chaos we pile up as to avoid confrontation. Confrontation with ourselves is the hardest, fighting both sides of each battle, infusing the needs of the heart with the weariness of our minds.

Questions by: thegirlwiththewhiteheadphones